Doorways, repeat, Doorways.

I know!  Let's talk about doorways!

Opening, closing, swinging, hitting you in face, getting bolted shut.  You know the drill.

Here's a dirty little secret that's actually not a secret.  I SUCK at  following my own advice.  I suck at even listening to myself.  Oh I listen alright, but to the "other" voices in my head.  The ones that tell me I'm worthless, not enough, a failure, have been rejected and so on.

Anyone else familiar with this?

How many of you out there struggle with doing something you KNOW you MUST do... and yet you don't.  You can't.  You won't.

Things that are essential to your very survival.  And yet you still can't.  It's a little like an addiction, don't you think?

You know with absolute certainty that smoking will kill you and yet you still light up.
You know that if you lose that money you can't make your house payment and yet you lay it on the table anyway.  You know that your cholesterol is through the roof and yet you still eat fast food four days a week. You know you should eat right and exercise and treat your body as a temple and yet you eat a box of bottlecaps for dinner.  Oh wait, that one was actually me.

But sometimes it's more subtle and sometimes it's more difficult.   This is usually when its a matter of the heart and the mind.  They often don't agree with each other and that's when things get really confusing.  That's when the door starts swinging wildly like you're in a hurricane.  That's when you should back away because you're going to get smacked in the face if you don't.

I'm still standing here, and I'm still getting smacked in the face.

There's a door in my life that, if it doesn't close, I will die.  "I" will die.  The me that I have fought tooth and nail to become.  And yet I'm still standing here letting it abuse me.   You can't see the breaks and the bruises because they are locked deep away in my heart, but make no mistake, they are there.  The scary thing is that each time I ALLOW this door to hit me, it pushes me closer and closer to the hole.  And the hole is where you go when you quit.

I'm not a quitter.

There I go using the word "allow" again.  You see, I'm allowing this to happen.  All of it.

WHY???

I know better.  I mean I write about closing doors all the time!

The latest psychology buzzword is "serves."  "Let go of anything that doesn't serve you."  I've become pretty good at this in recent months.  Except in this ONE area.  I don't want to name specifics but allow me to channel my inner Liz Gilbert (I wish I had one!) and say....

............and then there was David.  
All the complications and traumas of those ugly divorce years were multiplied by the drama of David- the guy I fell in love with as I was taking leave of my marriage.  Did I say I "fell in love" with David?  What I meant to say is that I dove out of my marriage and into David's arms exactly the same way a cartoon circus performer dives off a high platform and into a small cup of water, vanishing completely.  I clung to David for escape from my marriage as if he were the last helicopter pulling out of Saigon.  I inflicted upon him my every hope for salvation and happiness.  And yes, I did love him.  But if I could think of a stronger word than "desperately" to describe how I loved David, I would use that word here, and desperate love is always the toughest way to do it. 

Yes it is, dear Liz.

Lizzie hopped on a plane to Italy and took off on a year long journey as a means of closing the door on her David.

I don't have that luxury, so the question is, how do I do it?

Because as much as I love my David, and I do -- the relationship no longer serves me.  And even more than that, the breakup REALLY doesn't serve me.

You see, I keep opening the door.  It's not swinging open.  I keep opening it.  I keep ALLOWING myself to stand there and let it hit me.

So here's the answer.  (Testing, testing, April are you listening?)
The doors in our lives are choices.

Each time I allow that door to open, I choose to.  No one is banging it down or holding me at gunpoint.  I open my heart and close my mind and I make the choice to step through.  And I get hurt each time.  And I keep going back.

What's the definition of insanity?  Ah yes.

My friends keep asking me why I'm doing this.  They all see it.  They all know it.  They are about to barricade the door for me OR check me into an asylum, not sure which.

In church they talk about "the enemy" trying to make us see things that aren't real.  Trying to stand between us and our true joy, us and our freedom.  Now don't anyone get mad at me but I'm not 100% sure where I stand on the religious idea of "the enemy" but I do know this.

Sometimes, the enemy.........

is me.

The one standing in my way, is me.

The choices?  Are me.

I keep opening this door because I'm playing  the movie in my mind of how I want things to look.  I want "this type" of closure, I want "that kind" of happiness, I want my peace to look "this way."

Didn't I just blog a few days ago about CONTROL?  About letting go?  About surrendering to God's will?  Weren't those my very own words?

I'm PRETTY SURE that God doesn't want me walking through this pain.

What God wants is for me to walk through this journey with my head held high, take the lessons I need to learn, LEARN THEM and move on.

Let's look at the quote at the top of this page.  OK here I won't make you work for it.

It is the very premise on which I built this blog. 

I'm letting my heart and the enemy that is me get in the way of God's will.  I fell off the bandwagon.  Pure and simple.  I'm NOT crying out "Thy will be done."  I'm crying out "MY will be done."  I'm trying to change a situation that cannot and SHOULD NOT be changed because *I* need to feel ok with it.  

I need to get the hell out of God's way and let him teach me this lesson EXACTLY how I'm meant to learn it.

So today, right now, this minute, I am making a CHOICE.

I'm closing the door.  For good.  Because if there is one thing we know for certain, it's that many times some doors absolutely MUST close in order for another to open.  And I know that is the case here.

I'm choosing to save my life.  The life I have worked to diligently to fall in love with again.  And yes I fell in love desperately with my David and many parts of me still do love him.... but I love myself more. And it's more important for me to save my own life than for me to try (and fail) to save his.

Every time I open the door, I reopen the wounds.  It's like jumping off a tall building and breaking your bones over and over again.  My bones are already broken.  It's time to let them heal.   Until I heal I can not be strong again.

When I started going to church, my now friend Scott, a very powerful man of God prayed over me.  And he kept talking about seeds.  That God was planting seeds in me.  That I was in the "sowing" phase of my life.    

I will not destroy the seed that has been planted in me.
I am making the choice to nurture it.  

It's not easy.  It's not going to be easy.  There will be days of loneliness and sadness and despair.  Days when "the enemy" will try to get me.  And those are the moments I must drop to my knees. I must learn to surrender my will and listen to what God is telling me.

The very first "self help" book  I ever read was "A Return to Love." by Marianne Williamson.  I was about 19 years old.  So much of it still resonates with me.  I've recently re-read it for the third time.  

Today, and every day I must choose to surrender. 

I must choose to be 

fearless.