I have a new word!

Just yesterday I was talking to a very dear friend of mine and I asked him what his word was.  He answered "Believe."  Which is, of course, as mentioned here,  my original word.  I let him have it, both because he played the "I'm older than you," card and because, I'm starting to learn that our words can change, and for that matter should change, just as the seasons of our life.

Doorway will of course always be my "thing."  And I love the word "doorway" and all it represents, but but it never quite sat with me that my word...... was a noun.  

You would think after getting the word "Enough" tattooed on my wrist that, in fact, would be my word for this season of my life, but it's not.  "Enough" is the word I need to read every day, several hundred times a day as a reminder.  But it's not, "My word."

My word, is


It seems virtually impossible, doesn't it?  To live without fear?  ANY fear?  AT ALL?  OK I'm human and I'm a mom so of course I have fears and anxieties about my children.  But as it relates to the story of my life and it's outcome?


How did this happen?  Several times over the course of the last few months, several of my best, closest friends have said to me, "Who are you, and what have you done with April?"  And they've meant it in the best possible way.

What a year this has been for me, and it's only August!   I started my yoga journey, and it is a journey and it is a practice.... and as much as it is changing my body, it is changing my mind.  Because yes there is something to this thousands year old practice and why people continue to do it..... when you quiet the mind, you open your heart.  And I believe it was yoga that allowed me to open my heart to deepening my relationship with God.  Reaching for Him, being hungry for Him, and very recently, finding my faith in Him.

I mean like, just this week.

Now how can someone who was raised as a devout Catholic and has been going "back" to church pretty religiously (I had to) for the past two years and who got baptized back in April say she JUST NOW found her faith?

Well let me tell you what faith means to me.

To have faith, is to be.......


If you have faith in God, you have no fear.  If you believe that God's got your back, and that God's plan is better for you than the one you have in mind, then you have nothing to fear.  You're....


It's not enough to believe in God.  You have got to put your faith in Him.... always.  You have to KNOW with total and complete certainty that He loves you, He makes no mistakes, and He has a plan for you.  And His plan is the best plan and it will unfold exactly as it is meant to.  No matter what bumps are along the way.

Yesterday someone said to me,  "There can be no testimony without the test."   PREACH!!!!

On the day I got baptized the pastor said, "Faith is walking into every battle knowing that you've already won."  He was referring of course to having God on our side, always, no matter what we are faced with.  That sounds to me a lot like being....


For those of you just joining the conversation, I'll catch you up.  2 years ago I divorced my husband of 15 years.  And while I no longer wanted to be married to him, no while I no longer could be married to him, divorce is hell.  Pure and simple.  Immediately after my husband moved out, I got involved in a situation that left me emotionally wrecked possibly even more than my divorce.  I say that only because my divorce deteriorated over many years and I saw it coming.  This other situation resembled something similar to being hit by a speeding train.  And then there was R.  And I've spoken of R on this blog before.   R and I were both coming out of divorce and both very broken, and in each other we found a certain degree of wholeness. But that wholeness was not meant to last, and recently, R and I decided it would be best to go our separate ways.  R was my sun, moon, and stars.  We loved each other with great passion and intensity and it was without question, the happiest I've ever been in a relationship.  But it is now over.

And I'm not wrecked over this.

Why not?

Because I'm..... come on now.....


Of course I've been sad.  Of course I miss him.  Of course I've had my crying spells.  But I know without question that this relationship was part of a bigger plan.  Part of a plan that I know nothing about, but I have faith in that plan and the one who created it and I KNOW that there's more to my story.

And for those of you who know me, and more importantly for those of you LIKE me who are control freaks, this is where it gets hard.

I would kind of like to actually KNOW what that plan is.

You know, so I can get in my own way, get in God's way and try to mess it up?

I'm done with that way of life.  I've tried it for 41 years and it hasn't really worked so well for me.  The stories I create in my mind are giving me a headache and an ulcer and are making me exhausted.  Here's what quieting my mind through both meditation and prayer has shown me over the last few months. When I try to control things, I CAN'T.  Even better?  Trying to control people.  I CANNOT predict the future.  Trying to is like banging my head against a brick wall.  WHY am I doing this to myself and WHY am I doing it to those around me?   It.  doesn't.  work.  Period.

Many years ago, my good friend Barbra Streisand said something really profound.

"Let go and let God."

If I had listened to that statement as much as I listened to her music, I may have figured out this lesson 20 years ago, but I digress.

I had to learn the lessons.  You know, the hard way.

The way God intended for me to learn them.

Of course there is uncertainty in my life.  It is, after all, LIFE and as discussed above, there is no certainty.  But here's what I know.  *I* am not in control.  So I need to stop trying.  I need to stop obsessing.  I need to let go.  I need to be


and in that fearlessness I need to hold on tightly to my faith that God has me on the right path.  To believe in God, to truly believe and to have faith is to trust in Him and all that He does.  It is to make the prayer "Thy will be done" the most fundamental cry of your heart.  But more than that, it's being completely okay with whatever "Thy will" turns out to be, even, and sometimes, especially if it's not yours.

In my next post I'm going to talk about the beauty of patience and learning to love the journey while waiting for whatever it is that's coming to you.  I'm excited to share with you how prayer and deep meditation have changed me at my very core.  I'm more excited to share with you how in 41 years I have recently become the absolute best version of myself and I feel myself getting better and stronger not just in spite of my obstacles, but because of them.

And that is real fearlessness I think.  Not being afraid of the journey.  Knowing that wherever the path of life leads you, it is exactly where you are meant to be,  twists, turns, bumps, and all.


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