Showing posts from August, 2014

Grace for my flawed self.

There are moments since my recent breakup with "my David" where I feel as though the air is being vaccummed out of my lungs.  
Where the chains around my chest are so tight that I'm certain my heart will quite literally, break. 
The odd thing about this, the part I really struggle with-- is that I don't want "David" back in my life. At all. So why does this hurt so damn bad? 
Why can I go days and be completely fine and then have moments where I'm struggling to find oxygen and to even stand? 
It truly makes no sense to me. I understand the logic and the reasoning behind all of it. I understand that David (as he shall now be known) served a purpose in my life. To teach me a lesson. I understand that God placed him in my life for a season, for a reason. That he was both a blessing and a lesson.  I understand that David being in my life helped make me who I am, and that David leaving my life is helping me change and grow as well. 
I get it. 
So why does it conti…

Hurts so good....

One of my best, dearest, closest friends sent me this text at 1am. 
I love my team! I love my people! I love getting hit in the head with bricks... Oh wait.....

Grateful for the light

Funny thing about admitting to the world that you're at rock bottom. 
The world comes to your rescue. 
Since my post a few days ago, referring to rebuilding my solid foundation, my fortress out of bricks, I've had a lot of bricks come my way. 
It takes a village y'all. And I am so thankful and blessed for my village. 
Some of you are new members. I thank you so much for being brave enough to enter the ring with me. To those of you who have been in the ring with me from the beginning, I'm even more grateful to you. Why? Because you're well aware of the crazy and you stay anyway. The new peeps haven't quite been fully initiated yet. 
In the span of just a few days I have taken those bricks and one by one begun to rebuild.  
Am I there yet? Of course not. As a good friend said, if you bounce back from rock bottom in a matter of days, then you probably weren't really AT rock bottom to begin with. 
But with each brick, each hand that holds mine, and each rope that'…

Rock bottom.

It's something completely stupid like 4am. And I'm blogging. From my phone.

This must be important.

I'm thinking about my testimony yesterday at church, this crazy journey we call life, and the hell I have been in for the last 30 days.

And make no mistake, it has been hell.

I've had some lovely moments inside of that hell, but I assure you the last 30 days I have spent living side by side ....

With demons.

Like the big, ugly, scary monsters under your bed? Only worse. These things are HUGE beasts that are very ugly and scary indeed and have big awful horns and no souls so they are trying to eat yours. And they live in your bed, they live in your car, they appear in the television you watch, they lurk in your kitchen cabinets, you see their reflection in your mirror,, and the worst part of all, you hear their fighting voices in your head.

No that's not the worst part of all.

The worst part of all is the death grip they have around your heart and the chains they hav…

My story, my voice.

Click here to listen to.....

My Baptism Sunday Testimony

Thank you to my Southview Church family for making this moment possible and for cheering me on!

And of course, this is "the" picture I refer to.  

Doorways, repeat, Doorways.

I know!  Let's talk about doorways!

Opening, closing, swinging, hitting you in face, getting bolted shut.  You know the drill.

Here's a dirty little secret that's actually not a secret.  I SUCK at  following my own advice.  I suck at even listening to myself.  Oh I listen alright, but to the "other" voices in my head.  The ones that tell me I'm worthless, not enough, a failure, have been rejected and so on.

Anyone else familiar with this?

How many of you out there struggle with doing something you KNOW you MUST do... and yet you don't.  You can't.  You won't.

Things that are essential to your very survival.  And yet you still can't.  It's a little like an addiction, don't you think?

You know with absolute certainty that smoking will kill you and yet you still light up.
You know that if you lose that money you can't make your house payment and yet you lay it on the table anyway.  You know that your cholesterol is through the roof…

I have a new word!

Just yesterday I was talking to a very dear friend of mine and I asked him what his word was.  He answered "Believe."  Which is, of course, as mentioned here,  my original word.  I let him have it, both because he played the "I'm older than you," card and because, I'm starting to learn that our words can change, and for that matter should change, just as the seasons of our life.

Doorway will of course always be my "thing."  And I love the word "doorway" and all it represents, but but it never quite sat with me that my word...... was a noun.  

You would think after getting the word "Enough" tattooed on my wrist that, in fact, would be my word for this season of my life, but it's not.  "Enough" is the word I need to read every day, several hundred times a day as a reminder.  But it's not, "My word."

My word, is


It seems virtually impossible, doesn't it?  To live without fear?  ANY fear?  …