Grace for my flawed self.
There are moments since my recent breakup with "my David" where I feel as though the air is being vaccummed out of my lungs.
Where the chains around my chest are so tight that I'm certain my heart will quite literally, break.
The odd thing about this, the part I really struggle with-- is that I don't want "David" back in my life. At all. So why does this hurt so damn bad?
Why can I go days and be completely fine and then have moments where I'm struggling to find oxygen and to even stand?
It truly makes no sense to me. I understand the logic and the reasoning behind all of it. I understand that David (as he shall now be known) served a purpose in my life. To teach me a lesson. I understand that God placed him in my life for a season, for a reason. That he was both a blessing and a lesson. I understand that David being in my life helped make me who I am, and that David leaving my life is helping me change and grow as well.
I get it.
So why does it continue to bind me up?
Here's the recurring theme of my recent blog posts.
The nuts and bolts of it, is that I'm allowing my mind to wander and obsess and be sad and angry and hurt.
I am the enemy.
None of it, not one molecule of it serves me anymore. I have learned the lesson... Truly to my core I believe that I have.
So I most dig deeper.
I must understand the overall why as it relates to my stomach being all torn up.
Rejection? Fear? Betrayal? Mistrust? Disrespect? "Being duped?"
(That one has been a particularly common theme in recent weeks) How about this one? People are quite literally coming out of the woodwork, people that I believed to be "Team David" who have said, "yup we knew it all along." "We saw this coming." "We prayed aggressively for you because we didn't really see any way of this working." I mean EVERYONE. So many that I've started to tell myself that people just say that to someone in a post breakup situation to make them feel better. But somehow I don't feel like that's the case here. So maybe what I'm feeling, is just...
I put all the hopes for my future into his basket and I trusted him with them. And now those hopes are shattered, lost, and irrevocably unrepairable.
This quote popped up on this lovely blog I follow, Lessons Learned in Life.
Yup. That about sums it up.
This hurts. This is real. And one of my biggest problems I think is that in my mad burning desire to get out from under the pain, I'm not actually allowing myself to feel it. I'm very busy trying to squash it.
Breakups are hard. Anytime that a person you once loved and respected and admired leaves your life it hurts whether it's a friend, lover, partner, family member, or what. When a relationship of any sort ends...
I need to give myself the grace to actually feel and work through this pain. "This too shall pass," and all that jazz. Yes this hurts like hell right now, but I know to my core it won't hurt like this forever.
I've tried to be all "reasonable" and "logical" about it and scream at myself, "if you know this relationship was no good, if his presence in your life no longer serves you and the break up really doesn't serve you, then WHY DOES IT HURT??!!!!"
The answer is so obvious.
When it comes to matters of the heart, often, if not always, logic simply doesn't apply.
So I need to allow myself the patience to feel what I need to feel and work through it. It is the only way to guarantee I will learn what I absolutely must from this entire experience.
It's ok to be hurt.
It's ok to have a broken heart.
It's ok to lose your damn balance sometimes and even more than that, it's ok to take off your cape sometimes.
We are beautiful, flawed, humans.
Perhaps the person I'm expecting too much from isn't David at all. Perhaps it's me.