Grace for my flawed self.


There are moments since my recent breakup with "my David" where I feel as though the air is being vaccummed out of my lungs.  

Where the chains around my chest are so tight that I'm certain my heart will quite literally, break. 

The odd thing about this, the part I really struggle with-- is that I don't want "David" back in my life. At all. So why does this hurt so damn bad? 

Why can I go days and be completely fine and then have moments where I'm struggling to find oxygen and to even stand? 

It truly makes no sense to me. I understand the logic and the reasoning behind all of it. I understand that David (as he shall now be known) served a purpose in my life. To teach me a lesson. I understand that God placed him in my life for a season, for a reason. That he was both a blessing and a lesson.  I understand that David being in my life helped make me who I am, and that David leaving my life is helping me change and grow as well. 

I get it. 

So why does it continue to bind me up? 

Here's the recurring theme of my recent blog posts. 

It's me. 

The nuts and bolts of it, is that I'm allowing my mind to wander and obsess and be sad and angry and hurt. 

I am the enemy. 

None of it, not one molecule of it serves me anymore. I have learned the lesson... Truly to my core I believe that I have. 

So I most dig deeper. 

I must understand the overall why as it relates to my stomach being all torn up. 

Rejection? Fear? Betrayal? Mistrust? Disrespect? "Being duped?"
(That one has been a particularly common theme in recent weeks) How about this one? People are quite literally coming out of the woodwork, people that I believed to be "Team David" who have said, "yup we knew it all along." "We saw this coming." "We prayed aggressively for you because we didn't really see any way of this working." I mean EVERYONE. So many that I've started to tell myself that people just say that to someone in a post breakup situation to make them feel better. But somehow I don't feel like that's the case here.  So maybe what I'm feeling, is just... 

Stupid. 

I put all the hopes for my future into his basket and I trusted him with them. And now those hopes are shattered, lost, and irrevocably unrepairable.  

This quote popped up on this lovely blog I follow, Lessons Learned in Life. 




Yup. That about sums it up. 

This hurts. This is real. And one of my biggest problems I think is that in my mad burning desire to get out from under the pain, I'm not actually allowing myself to feel it. I'm very busy trying to squash it. 

Breakups are hard.  Anytime that a person you once loved and respected and admired leaves your life it hurts whether it's a friend, lover, partner, family member, or what. When a relationship of any sort ends... 

It hurts. 

I need to give myself the grace to actually feel and work through this pain. "This too shall pass," and all that jazz. Yes this hurts like hell right now, but I know to my core it won't hurt like this forever. 

I've tried to be all "reasonable" and "logical" about it and scream at myself, "if you know this relationship was no good, if his presence in your life no longer serves you and the break up really doesn't serve you, then WHY DOES IT HURT??!!!!"

The answer is so obvious. 

When it comes to matters of the heart, often, if not always, logic simply doesn't apply. 

So I need to allow myself the patience to feel what I need to feel and work through it. It is the only way to guarantee I will learn what I absolutely must from this entire experience. 

It's ok to be hurt. 
It's ok to have a broken heart. 
It's ok to lose your damn balance sometimes and even more than that, it's ok to take off your cape sometimes. 

We are beautiful, flawed, humans. 

Perhaps the person I'm expecting too much from isn't David at all. Perhaps it's me. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Oysters, triggers, and healing.

Image
Broken hearts.  It's such a cliche'.  No topic has received more attention in the history of the world.  More books, sonnets, songs, movies, plays etc etc etc ad nauseam have been written about broken hearts than any other topic.  Country music exists because of broken hearts.  Taylor Swift's career exists because of her broken heart (more power to ya, sister).  NOTHING HURTS MORE THAN A BROKEN HEART. I have avoided continuing to write about "the flight of the bumblebee" mainly because.... it hurts. Also because..... it hurts.  And I don't want to give it attention and I don't want to dwell and I sure as hell don't want to re-live it.  But mostly because, it hurts. I was saying this very thing to my friend Jessica a few weeks and without hesitation she responded so brilliantly I had to turn it into a screensaver.... ... her next sentence was, "because I'm sure it hurts like hell." Here is one thing I do know.  Healing is not at
Read more

Shameless self promotion

Image
Well, in case you haven't figured it out, I do a lot of work with Autism Speaks and the TN Walk Now for Autism . I've mentioned before why I feel it's so important to raise awareness but... I'm going to say it again. This week a group of high school kids asked Autism Speaks to send someone out to talk to them about autism. How cool, right? They wanted to learn more! And my "more," I mean, "at all." Of the 42 kids in that room with me, ONE of them even knew what autism was. Newsflash: 1 in 150 kids are being diagnosed with autism in the United States. In the UK it's estimated that the numbers are more like 1 in 67. We need, *NEED* to educate the masses. So I was thrilled to have the opportunity to teach these kids about autism and what it looks like and I encouraged them to go tell 10 people about what we talked about and make the information viral. I mean, Comic-Con and Twilight are trending topics on Twitter and yet autism is not? Really? The
Read more

"This book"

Image
I know, I know, I know. The topic this month is, "believe." I get it. I've been talking about "believing in yourself," but yanno what? Sometimes it's kinda hard. I get that. On a night like tonight, I get that more than anyone. Here's the thing. It's sort of a dirty little secret. But I'm about to let the cat out of the bag. A year ago, I wrote a book. Yep, I, me, April Schmidt wrote a book. Guess what it's about? Come on, guess........ it's going to be shocking. A little boy with autism. It's a children's book. A picture book, in fact. And here's the story of how it came to be. About a year ago, Luke and I were having a really bad day. Sometimes we have those. Luke is REALLY into books and as we were laying in bed trying to wind down this bad day and put it behind us, I was really wishing I had a book. This book. A book that he could "read" and relate to. A book that he could look at the pictures and say, "Hey
Read more