As always, I'm impressed with the frequency in which I blog.

No not really.

But it's been a year friends.  I mean, it's REALLY been a year.

You know how they say divorce is the second most traumatic thing you'll go through next to death?  Yeah, they're right.

There it is, I'm saying it out loud and publicly for the first time.  I'm getting a divorce.  In fact, it's almost over.  But understand, for those of you who've never been through it.  A divorce isn't something you just "get."  It's not something that just "happens."  This has been many grueling, heartbreaking years in the making.  But I won't get into that now.  

Now posting the intimate details of my divorce on the internet just wouldn't be appropriate, but I feel it's something I want to talk about because it's something that SO MANY go through.  We are special group, "divorcees" and sadly there's more of us than ever before.  

Here's what I will say about my divorce.  There wasn't any "one thing" that "happened" to "cause" our divorce.  My soon to be ex husband (that still sounds strange) is a wonderful man and an amazing father.  

But he's not the man for me.

I can say that out loud now because I think he knows.  But for a long long long time it was a dark secret I  kept inside of me.

It's sad actually.  On paper, we are absolutely perfect for each other.  PERFECT!  We were best friends in high school and best friends throughout the course of our marriage and we are dedicated parents.  But at the end of the day, that's really ALL we were.  I want to make one thing clear.  I love my almost ex.  I loved him very deeply for 15 sometimes great years. But I wasn't IN LOVE with him.   You know that ever popular Hunter Hayes song "Wanted?"  There's a line in that song... "put aside the math and the logic of it.  You've got to know you're wanted too."  Right.  Sounds like a great concept.  But that's all it was - -  a concept to me.  And...this sort of "hole" began to grow inside of me.  And the hole got too big for me to contain.  

I remember one day a few years ago trying to explain to my mother that I thought my marriage was falling apart.  I was probably venting about something he didn't do that I wanted him to do or complaining that he did something I didn't want him to -- that's typically how it went. 

For fifteen years.

But my mom said, "where did you get the IDEA that you even SHOULD expect more.  What is it that makes you think you DESERVE more?"  and people -- that STILL bothers me.    At first it bothered me that my mom isn't on board with me deserving or wanting more.  But the truth is, what upsets me the most?  Is that SHE doesn't think SHE deserves more.  And because she doesn't think SHE deserves more, she never really thought *I* should have more (she's figured it out by now, phew!) 

You see, my parents have been married for 40+ years.  But what I witnessed was a loveless marriage.  And yes I had 15 sometimes wonderful years with this man, but at the very end of the day, I decided to end this cycle.  I ended up in a loveless marriage because it was all I knew.  I thought that's what marriage WAS.  I thought that's what it SHOULD look like.  I thought it was normal that when your husband walked through the door you looked for the nearest escape.   I thought you were SUPPOSED to spend every waking moment bitching about all the reasons why you were unhappy.  More than all of that, I thought your husband was supposed to be RESPONSIBLE for your happiness and THEREFORE your unhappiness too.

Therapy people. LOTS of therapy.   Can't say enough about the benefits of therapy.  (Insert public service announcement starring me and Ryan Gosling here) 

So before I get too deep into the topic of divorce, and I'm sure I will -- let me say this.  This blog is called
"April's Doorway."   Well, April was stuck, banging her head against a door for 15 years.  I tried all kinds of tricks.  I painted it.  I put new hardware on it.  I decorated and changed it for the seasons.  Heck, I even MOVED it.  Over the years the door got worn.  The locks broke, the handles needed to be changed.  There are bumps and bruises in this door.  But the door served me very well.  It kept me safe and protected.  It created a world for me.  In some ways that was good, and in other ways, that door kept me from finding what was waiting for me out there.  


What does my friend Liz have to say?  The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. I didn't want to destroy anything or anybody. I just wanted to slip quietly out the back door, without causing any fuss or consequences, and then not stop running until I reached Greenland.” 

I like when I pretend Elizabeth Gilbert is my friend.  

So I made the most difficult decision of my life.  I closed that door.  For good.  And like I've said in other posts.  This wasn't your typical door.  It swung back open.  It hit me in the face sometimes.  It started swinging.  It fell off, it got re-hung.  YOU NAME IT.  This door did it all.  But now, this door is closed.  For good.  

And I can't wait to tell you about the doors that are suddenly opening for me.

Because there's one thing I forget to do -- a lot.  And that's follow my own advice or remember the wise things I've ONCE said.   Or, what my friend Helen Keller says right at the top of this page.  

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."

Comments

  1. Wow, Honey, this was brutally honest and raw. I've witnessed many marriages come to an end in recent years, and I'm never quite sure what to "say". I'm so sorry? Congratulations? Hang in there? Maybe all of those sentiments rolled into one wordless gesture. A hug. If I was close to you right now, I'd give you a big hug. And a comforting smile. No one else knows your heart and therefore no one else has the right to judge it. You alone know what's best for you and your family. I wish you all the best, April. Many, many hugs. And many, many more smiles. xo

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  2. April, your openness moves me. I know this it difficult to express and more difficult to put it out for all to see. I am proud of you for working through all of this, for continuing in friendship with him and for pursuing greatness within yourself. So many people run from those dark corners, but you run in full force, ready to take anything on.

    I wish I had your levelheaded tenacity for life. I wish I could be there for you, but please know that hugs are being sent from thousands of miles away!

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