Options

I mentioned in my last post that I'm a little bit of a quote, "ahem" whore.  I've actually been thinking quite a lot about my last post, which I usually don't do.  To be honest, my blog is a stream of consciousness thing.  I sit down, start typing, and hit "publish."  My guess is that most of you have figured that out by now!   But I think now that I'm blogging a little bit more about the things that live inside my brain and are close to my chest -- they are sticking with me.  It's a bit scary to say the least to post your inner most thoughts on the 'net for anyone and everyone to see.  There I go digressing.  Again.

Maybe we need a safe word for when I start to digress?  Just sayin'

So there's this quote -- that I LOVE.  I mean, it really speaks to me, and it also speaks to what I posted about last week so I want to share it here.

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."  Unknown

Does that speak to you, too?   It ranks pretty high with me, after all it's  my screensaver on my ipod.  You see, my therapist kind of tells me that sometimes, that's MY bad.  That no one ASKS to be a priority in MY life, so if I make them a priority in my life and they don't make me one in theirs, that's MY bad.  That's codependency, right?  Maybe.

I love very hard.  I love very deeply.  I love very truly.  I love unconditionally.  Until you give me a reason not to and then it's open for discussion.  OH!  This just reminded me of a passage in EPL -- so let's continue on that kick too!  (Stream of consciousness people, stay with me!)

"If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else."  — Elizabeth Gilbert

And my therapist tells me that's a BAD thing!  Ha!  What does she know?  Oh, ok.  Shut up already.

Here's what I've started to realize, she's right.  Because I'm only setting MYSELF up for the fall.  It actually does start to HURT when I make you SO IMPORTANT to me and............. you don't even know my favorite color.  It's intimacy 101 really.  You put something out there, then I put something out there....then you put something a little deeper out there...and I put something a little deeper out there...and so on, until we have developed an intimacy with each other...a trust.  But there are times when relationships suddenly become about that person going deeper and deeper and deeper and somehow, they stop asking questions.  And although you REALLY want to be a good friend and you REALLY REALLY don't want to burden anyone with your junk, there are SOME days where you just want to say, maybe even scream, "HEY WHAT ABOUT ME?"


I met this person exactly a year ago.  We started down this fast and furious friendship.  And boyyyyyyyyyyyy did I ever absorb his life, his problems, his everything.  This person said they were DESPERATE to get to know me.  To see behind my walls.  So I ACTUALLY said to this person, "If you want to see behind my walls, go read my blog.  It's pretty much all out there for the whole world to see, including you."  That was one year ago.  To this day, that person has never read a single post.  It's not about whether or not this person reads my blog.  It's about...........wait a minute? You want to get to know me SO BADLY but you can't take a few minutes to READ the stuff I post on the internet???  Come on, it's easy.  You can do it in the privacy of your own home or even while you're sitting in traffic.  It involves virtually NO effort.  I've made it SO simple for you. You just said you wanted to get to know me, didn't you?  If you want a glimpse into my soul, if you want to attain that level of intimacy, of trust with me......then don't you even..........care about what's going on in MY mind?  In MY life?     Isn't that what relationships are all about?

That wacky thing called.... balance?


















Now, I have no idea if my therapist reads my blog, but I'm pretty sure that if she does, she just jumped out of her chair and did a "HELL YEAH!"

You see, for a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time  I had this dirty little secret in my closet.

I felt GUILTY about wanting people to care about me.  I thought that's what relationships were SUPPOSED to look like.  You give and give and give and give and give until you are just so emotionally exhausted, you walk away.  That's kind of all I've ever known.  So that's kind of what I've always done.

Have you been there too?  You give and give and give and give and listen until your ears fall off and run to the rescue every time you're called upon and then.........--it's almost shameful to admit-- but........you start the proverbial scorecard in your mind.   And honestly, once that scorecard appears in your mind, it's the beginning of the end.  Because that's the thing about resentment.  It's poison.  Even the tiniest amount will start to eat away at the core of your being.  It might take some time, maybe even years, but make no mistake, it's still working it's evil magic.   And then of course if you're like me, you feel guilt for even HAVING a scorecard so that compounds everything and makes it WORSE. 

Back to the quote:

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."  Unknown

Read it again.  One more time.  For me.  Come on, do it.  OK, did you catch it?  The word allow.  It's used twice.  This means -- it's all up to you.  I allow you to be a priority just as much as I allow myself to be an option in your life.  It's a choice.  Haven't we talked about choices before?

I have a friend whose 13 year old son just took on his first girlfriend.  This is a big deal.  So she asks her son, "Have you talked to Alice lately?"  (names have been changed to protect the innocent)  The son says, "No, I haven't talked to her in a few days."  (I mean, he's 13, ok?)  So my friend proceeds to sit her son down and have a conversation with him about, the responsibility of having a girlfriend.  And, "if you are going to make the ........choice to call Alice your girlfriend, then you have to own what goes along with that.  Which includes calling her at least once every day, even if it's only for two minutes.  She's expecting things from you as her "boyfriend" so you need to deliver."  I'm highly paraphrasing here but..........a) can I get an AMEN that there's a mom out there teaching her son how to be a boyfriend?????    b) can she come to my house and do a seminar?  c) such. a. fundamental. concept.

If I call you 100 times a week to make sure you're ok because I KNOW you're going through a stressful time and you don't call me at all.................

If every time your life is falling apart around you I run to your rescue and you can't even ask me the question, "How are you today?"  Ummmmmmmm really?

I'm big on sending cards.  Sometimes I just send one to say, "I'm thinking of you."  If you can't even send me a TEXT to say the same then.........or my personal favorite...if you can't even RESPOND to a text I've sent you.....  

If I know every intimate detail about your life and base my actions on what I know about how you tick and you don't even know............my favorite color ...........why am *I* here?   Because I for sure know why YOU'RE here.


The point is my friends -- we have a responsibility to each other.  We have responsibilities to those we call friends, lovers, classmates, co-workers, mothers, fathers, husbands, wives children, etc.  But more than that, we have a responsibility to ourselves.

If you've made the choice to make someone a priority in your life, and they in turn have made the choice to make you their option....

maybe it's time to close that door?

Because I know I deserve to be more than someone's option.   And so do you.

Wait, isn't that a L'oreal commercial?     ((((wink))))

Comments

  1. My fav soo far!! Great insight

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  2. I enjoyed reading your blog today and LOVE that you have figured out that ALL relationships are 2 way streets..altough at times there might be a traffic jam on one side and the other needs to help find an escape route! True love and true friendships don't keep tallies of all the good we have done for someone, but we sure as heck know when to give back AND when to say, "Thank You!"
    Keep up the good work and the good fight! You have so much to offer so many people!
    P.S. What is your favorite color? ;)

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  3. Thank you, Thank you........and let's not go so far as to say "figured it out" just yet... LOL it's a work in progress. Some days I get it, some days I don't. But you are SO RIGHT... real true relationships don't even know what "tallies" are. =] And to answer your question... brown. Thanks for asking!

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  4. wonderful! thanks for introducing us to your blog. love it. I will be using that quote again and again.

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  5. Thank YOU Jenny -- I am SO enjoying my unwritten travels and suspect it will be a blog topic soon enough!

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