Say what?

Look at me, blogging twice in 30 days.  I better be careful, or I might make this a... habit.

I doubt it.  

This post has been brewing for awhile.  Ever since my last one, mentioning the you-know-what.

My friend Heather posted a comment on my last post: "I'm never quite sure what to "say."  I'm so sorry?  Congratulations?  Hang in there?"  

I suppose the answer is different for different people but for me I can say....... "all of the above."

I'm so sorry.  Yes.  The situation in and of itself is a sorry one.  It's sad.  I assure you with 100% certainty that NO ONE walks down the aisle with all of their hopes and dreams tied to the person waiting at the end with the thought, "Eh, I give this thing 15 years."   Me and the Mr. were BEST friends throughout high school, and quite honestly the duration of our marriage.  We. Made. A. Family. Together.  And I take that pretty seriously.  I stayed a lot longer than I wanted to because of our children, because of our family, because he WAS my family.  No matter how you slice and dice it, no matter how much I don't want to be married to him anymore, that man was part of my existence for 15 years.  And even though I don't want to live with him anymore, it's still....just.....sad.  So yes, saying "I'm sorry" is appropriate.  Because it's hard and gut wrenching and soul sucking and robs you of your sleep and your sanity and your confidence (I mean, if you can't make this work, what on earth CAN you make work?  Another post for sure), and did I mention your sanity?

Congratulations.  I've had women "high five" me and give me a "you go girl."  These are the woman who have been there.  These are the women who know that on some level it's more difficult to leave when there is no "real" reason, that to leave when there IS one.  I mean, my ex is a wonderful man, and truly an amazing father.  We got along great.  We were AWESOME roommates.  But. That. Is. All. We. Were.  And who do I think I am to say I want "more?"  How can I look at my two beautiful children and tear apart their quite awesome lives because "I want more."   I'm not tooting my own horn here.  But I am recognizing that what I did took guts.  

The guts to say "Damn straight I want more."  "Damn straight I'm going to find it."  and "Damn straight I deserve it."  Actually, we both do.

Hang in there.  Yes.   There are good days and bad, as in everyone's life.  The holidays are hard.  There are days when I see it in my son's eyes, both of them (both sons, not both eyes ha ha ha) that they hurt.  And on those days I feel the air escaping my lungs and my ability to breathe has ceased.  But I can sleep again.  I am off my anti-depressants for the first time in.......well, um.... 15 years.  People tell me they can see it in my face.  And the truth is, I do feel different inside.  I feel.... lighter. 

When contemplating divorce for the better part of two years, I always said, "I'm just trading one set of problems for another."  And that's very true.  Many of the securities that marriage provided are now gone to me.  And again, there are days when I can't breathe, but for different reasons like....

But broke or not, my heart is free, it is unburdened and it is healing, so for that I will take a "congratulations."

And for the record, as hard as it is for you, the receiver, to figure out what to say, it's even more difficult to be the one to actually SAY it.  Out loud.  I'm kinda just starting.   It's not like you get a tshirt made, or a tattoo on your forehead -- there's a certain degree of shame that comes along with divorce.  You know?  "I failed at the most important decision I ever made in my life and brought children into this world under this decision and awesome plan and now I've ruined their lives and disappointed every member of my family and the Mr.  etc so on and so forth."  Yeah, that shame.  

But, I know this is part of my journey.  And his journey.  And my kids' too.  It's a building block of our foundation.  I'm building my bones as Liz Gilbert says (I really do read other authors, I swear).  I'm learning as I go.  These are tricky waters to navigate, but navigate them I must and I will and I am.  

To those out there in cyber land and candyland and real land who have supported me with ALL of your words, I express my deepest gratitude for always, ALWAYS leaving your doors open to me.  You know who you are. 


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