Defying.... doorways.

So, I'm almost the last person on earth to see the musical, Wicked. Don't worry, I've been listening to the music for 2 years. You know how my "word" is doorway? Well my theme song is "Defying Gravity." Here are the lyrics -

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'm through accepting limits
''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And never bring me down!
bring me down!

K so I've had this song on "repeat" for about 2 years now. In fact I have the words, "Defy gravity" posted here there and everywhere in my house (we've already discussed my quote addiction). It's kind of a reminder to me to listen to myself, trust myself, and to BELIEVE in myself.

So last night, I finally saw the show in Nashville.

Speechless.

First of all, this may come as a shock to some of you, but I'm kind of a theater nut. (AKA Drama queen) Since having kids and what not I haven't been able to enjoy it as much as I'd like but .... this girl has never met a broadway musical she didn't love. So from that aspect, it blew my mind. Stage production, costumes, lyrics,  arrangements, music, writing, performance, all of it. EVERYTHING was beyond my imagination. I didn't want to blink -- I was afraid I'd miss something.

But it was the story that spoke to me the most. I didn't know much about it. To be honest, I thought Glinda and Elphaba were SISTERS..... I know, right? I knew it was about how the wicked witch became, well, wicked -- but what I didn't know is that the story was actually about friendship.

There is no woman in this world who cannot relate to this story.

But I'm not giving it away!

I've written in the past about some friendships that have left me, hurt me, torn me apart, broken my heart. There's actually been quite a few of them. I've blamed the other person, I've blamed myself. Either way, it's hurt. There have been many friendships where the door has been slammed in my face, sometimes while my heart was in the doorjamb. There have been quite a few in my life where we've both just quietly let the door close on it's own.... where time is the only thing that leads the door to make that final "click." There have been even more where the door is swinging, sometimes open, sometimes shut, sometimes wildly going in and out and sometimes just gently swaying back and forth. Rarely, but there have been some where I've had to press my body against that door with all of my might and force it shut, hold it there while the person is pushing against me on the other side and only after a lot of blood, sweat and tears am I able to bolt it shut for good.

Or at least what I think is for good.

This year has been really hard for me. And as a result it's been really hard on my friendships. I've lost some people that were very important to me. I've lost people that were my lifeline. I lost some people I never thought I would be without or could be without. But I am now. Those doors are closed.

And when those doors closed, I closed another one too. The one around my heart. I started to shut people out. Go into that proverbial "hole" where I don't let anyone but me in. But here's what I have learned. It's possible that I've mentioned this before...........

Sometimes you have to, you MUST close one door in order to open another.

So in losing some friendships, I've gained others. Better ones, stronger ones. Even more than that, some of those friendships with swinging doors? They've now become doors that have some sort of super magnetic force field attached to them that will stay open for a lifetime. Yes, the wind will come, the cold will come, the heat will come and so will the flies and all the other $hit that tries to come in. There will be reasons to close that door, but we won't. Ever. (I think after 20 years, we've realized that the door is stronger than both of us, wouldn't you agree, RG?)

But here's the other thing I've learned.

Sometimes, when you open ONE door, another one opens too. Wait, that was my last post wasn't it?

But it's true. I had to open the door around my heart in order to open the door to the friendships and relationships that lay before me now.

THIS is the song that killed me last night --

This is kind of a terrible video but at the same time -- amazing! (This was Kristin's last performance as Glinda and it's so touching!!!)

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn,
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them and we help them in return.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true.
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes the sun.
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good ...

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part:
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you.
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed
For the better?
But because I knew you...
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for...
But then, I guess
We know there's blame to share...
And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun
Like a ship blown off its mooring by a wind off the sea
Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood
Like a seed dropped by a skybird in the wood

Who can say if
I've been changed for the better?
I do believe
I have been changed for the better.

And because I knew you...
Because I knew you...
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...



So here it is. No matter where the doorways to our friendships are........ open, closed, swinging wildly, rocking gently, just creaking open, or just being locked for the very last time.... every person that comes into and out of our lives, changes us for good whether we know it, or not. In many cases time is the ONLY thing that can reveal that answer to us, but make no mistake, it will.